Memories of Coming Out - My First Child

I have three gay children.  This is how I remember when my oldest came out to me.  If she has a different version, I would trust hers.  It was 1989 or 1990 and she was out of high school.  She was living away from home and came back to visit one day.  As we sat in the living room, she said she had something to tell me.  She was obviously a little distraught when she finally said, "Mom, I'm gay."

Now, I don't remember feeling much of anything at all--not shock or dismay or disappointment.  I think part of the reason was that my life was full of other responsibilities with my teenage son who was her brother and their four half-siblings all under the age of 7 years.  The youngest of the second four had just been born with Down syndrome not too long before this revelation.  So, I was quite overwhelmed by life, in general, in those days.  I don't remember my exact response but I remember thinking kind of like Scarlett O'Hara.  What was it that she said?  Tomorrow's another day.  I'll think about that tomorrow.  Something like that.

Surely, this was an important issue and I, indeed, thought about it very soon.  I can remember feeling like I didn't quite know what to do in the situation and, so, I began to examine how other people handled this same scenario--a gay offspring.  The most drastic approach wasn't even considered since I couldn't imagine cutting one of my children out of my life all together.  What if she needed me and I had banished her from my life for something that was as natural for her as breathing?  Nope, banishment was not an option.

So, the next less drastic step might be to say, "Okay, you're gay but we'll pretend you're not.  I don't want to see any evidence of it when you're around me or the family."  I quickly dismissed that concept since that would easily mean she could choose to be with her gay family and leave us out of her life.  That just wouldn't work.  As well, that would mean condoning her pretending to be someone she isn't when she's with the family--a place where, by all rights, one should be able to completely be oneself.

Next response to be considered was to say, "Okay, you're gay but I don't want you bringing any of your friends around."  I did not like that option either because I wanted to know my kids' friends.  You get to know your kids better when you see them around their friends.  As well, banishing friends, again, might lead her to have to choose and friends usually win out over family.

Lastly, the best option was to embrace her and all out accept her as she was.  Something in my heart told me what the scientists hadn't quite proven in the early 90s and that is that being gay is hardwired.  It's not a choice or a lifestyle or an alternative way to live.  It's as natural for gay people to be gay as it is for straight people to be straight.  I thank God for whatever I had in me that allowed me to go against much of the teaching of my youth and accept my daughter's gayness, unconditionally.  Because she was just the first wave of a delightful family trend.