Memories of Coming Out - My Third Child

With my third gay child, I actually knew she was gay before she knew it.  In fact, I was worried that she might become like some people I've known through my life.  They can't accept that they are gay for whatever reason--societal scorn, religious beliefs, whatever--and they have this hole in their life where self-acceptance and perhaps a meaningful companion should be.  When my third gay child was in high school, I talked with my oldest daughter about my concerns.  She advised me to just leave it alone and trust that it would take care of itself.

I watched my youngest struggle with dating boys and I watched her talk about platonic girlfriends with that tone of voice that only comes with infatuation.  After she graduated and moved out of the house, there came a period in time where she kind of dropped off my radar screen.  There had been no drama.  She just didn't come around for a few months.  I wondered about it but just dismissed it as a cutting-the-apron-strings rite of passage.

Then, one day in the fall of the year, she came over for a family gathering with a "friend" in tow.  I was so glad to see her and we were all enjoying one another's company.  She found me alone in the kitchen and said she had something to tell me.  She asked me what I thought the worst thing she could tell me might be.  When we determined that she hadn't dropped out of college, lost her job or murdered someone, I couldn't think of anything else that she could tell me that would worry or upset me.

"Well," she said hesitantly, "I'm gay."  Oh, my goodness, I threw my arms around her and hugged and kissed her and felt this burden lifted from my soul.  Within minutes, I was calling my oldest daughter who lived out of town and reporting that her sister had finally come out.  What a wonderful revelation that was to me that night.

One of my straight daughters commented, "Only in this family would the mother get the news that one of her kids is gay and start calling people to tell them."

Later I asked this my youngest lesbian daughter why she thought telling me, of all people, would be that hard. She smiled and said she feared the family had reached the gay/lesbian quota with her two older siblings.

I am proud of all six of my children, three of whom are gay.  Please do your part to let our gay and lesbian brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, nieces, nephews, sons, daughters, friends, acquaintances, co-workers, neighbors, and all the rest feel that they can be who they were meant to be.  This is LGBT pride month.  Make every month LGBT pride month.

Memories of Coming Out - My Second Child

My youngest son was the next one of my children to come out.  Officially, he came out while in high school in Pasadena, Texas.  I had grown up not too far away in Houston where Pasadena had always been known for its conservative outlook on life.  So, when he fiercely and fearlessly refused to suppress his wonderful gayness, I was a little fearful for him.  Certainly, he endured his share of harassment and bullying but he never backed down from who he really was.

Even as a small child, there was certain behavior that led us to think he might be gay.  I remember Halloween when he was 6 or 7 years old and I made him this awesome black and red satin Dracula cape.  Now, this wasn't a cheesy type cape that you buy at the cheap costume store.  This was a luscious full circle real satin cape.  He spent hours in the front yard twirling around and around watching that cape billowing in the wind--foreshadowing of his love of color guard to come in high school, eh?

I remember a funny story that happened, again, when he was 6 or 7 years old.  The television happened to be on a beauty pageant.  I hardly ever watched beauty pageants being a women's libber of the 60s and 70s.  But that day, one was on and he was watching it.  As I walked into the room he said, "Mom, look, isn't she wearing a beautiful dress?"  I can remember thinking, "Well, if he were gay, he wouldn't be admiring beautiful women."  When I told him that story years later after he came out, he laughingly commented, "Yeah, I was probably wishing I had the dress for myself."

Memories of Coming Out - My First Child

I have three gay children.  This is how I remember when my oldest came out to me.  If she has a different version, I would trust hers.  It was 1989 or 1990 and she was out of high school.  She was living away from home and came back to visit one day.  As we sat in the living room, she said she had something to tell me.  She was obviously a little distraught when she finally said, "Mom, I'm gay."

Now, I don't remember feeling much of anything at all--not shock or dismay or disappointment.  I think part of the reason was that my life was full of other responsibilities with my teenage son who was her brother and their four half-siblings all under the age of 7 years.  The youngest of the second four had just been born with Down syndrome not too long before this revelation.  So, I was quite overwhelmed by life, in general, in those days.  I don't remember my exact response but I remember thinking kind of like Scarlett O'Hara.  What was it that she said?  Tomorrow's another day.  I'll think about that tomorrow.  Something like that.

Surely, this was an important issue and I, indeed, thought about it very soon.  I can remember feeling like I didn't quite know what to do in the situation and, so, I began to examine how other people handled this same scenario--a gay offspring.  The most drastic approach wasn't even considered since I couldn't imagine cutting one of my children out of my life all together.  What if she needed me and I had banished her from my life for something that was as natural for her as breathing?  Nope, banishment was not an option.

So, the next less drastic step might be to say, "Okay, you're gay but we'll pretend you're not.  I don't want to see any evidence of it when you're around me or the family."  I quickly dismissed that concept since that would easily mean she could choose to be with her gay family and leave us out of her life.  That just wouldn't work.  As well, that would mean condoning her pretending to be someone she isn't when she's with the family--a place where, by all rights, one should be able to completely be oneself.

Next response to be considered was to say, "Okay, you're gay but I don't want you bringing any of your friends around."  I did not like that option either because I wanted to know my kids' friends.  You get to know your kids better when you see them around their friends.  As well, banishing friends, again, might lead her to have to choose and friends usually win out over family.

Lastly, the best option was to embrace her and all out accept her as she was.  Something in my heart told me what the scientists hadn't quite proven in the early 90s and that is that being gay is hardwired.  It's not a choice or a lifestyle or an alternative way to live.  It's as natural for gay people to be gay as it is for straight people to be straight.  I thank God for whatever I had in me that allowed me to go against much of the teaching of my youth and accept my daughter's gayness, unconditionally.  Because she was just the first wave of a delightful family trend.